May 10, 2011









open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.
offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.
ted stress during the day.LIE #1: All you need is love.
The reality is that marital bliss is a myth. Unconditional love, necessary for babies and small children, doesn't
iness, we will continue to have many couples marrying with little appreciation for the true difficulties and complexities of married life.
Couples come to my office deeply shocked: "We love each other so much. Why are we so unhappy?" Myths that suggest that romantic love is sufficient to create marital bliss leave people unskilled in developing and unprepared to manage sustained intimate relationships. As wonderful as love is, love doesn't conquer all, and alone it certainly won't prevent or solve your marital problems. For that, you need to understand the nature of marriage, learn specific skills and accept that regularly applying these skills requires diligence and hard work.
The truth is that brutal honesty too often encourages brutality more than honesty. Spouses use their version of the truth to bludgeon their partners into submission.
Books such as John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand do an excellent job of explaining how men and women's communication styles can differ. However, I have found that problems in communication go far beyond these stylistic differences. Communication problems often hide serious differences in values, interests, goals and desires.
Even when spouses learn how to "communicate" with each other effectively, they are often surprised to find that they have major differences that are difficult to resolve. So, improving communication alone is not the solution to most marital problems. It is only the first step.
The truth is that most people go about trying to change their relationships in unproductive ways, get frustrated by the results and then claim that this outcome proves that people don't change. Also, many of us are so fearful of real change that we run for the escape hatch rather than commit to the hard work involved in getting what we say we want. And even if one partner is adamantly set against change, there's a lot the other partner can do to foster change in the marriage anyway. Change is always possible.
Our grandparents were likely to live close to their parents (if not in the same house), see each other often and stay personally involved in each other's day-to-day lives. Today, in our highly mobile society, we tend to live farther from our parents. Paradoxically, their influence may be greater than ever; because they're not around, we're less likely to be aware of how we unthinkingly act in line or in opposition to the way they raised us.
It's especially shocking to find that your family seriously influences you if you have consciously chosen to behave differently from them. Spouses who don't appreciate the power their original families exert on their values and styles tend to have particularly tenacious problems in their marriages.
Men tend to feel unappreciated for what they do well, that is, for working hard away from home and for any chores they agree to do in the house. Likewise, women who work away from the home and then return to care for their households and children often feel equally unappreciated for their extra work.
In The Second Shift, sociologist Arlie Hochschild makes the point that women are caught in a "stalled revolution." Seventy percent of married women work outside the home and then return to huge responsibilities at home with minimal or no help from the average husband or from social institutions. Many working mothers are overworked and exhausted, and some ultimately become bitter about their overburdened lives. Hochschild believes that the stress on marriage caused by the pressures of this "stalled revolution" is central to women's dissatisfaction with modern marriage and will not be resolved until men fully accept their share of household responsibilities.
The confusion over gender-role expectations, the mutual feeling of insufficient appreciation and the unresolved resentment this fosters between spouses are killing many marriages.
Even when you love your children fiercely, even when you thought you were prepared for the tremendous dislocation they would cause (who hasn't heard a million stories about the sleepless nights with newborns, the perils of toddlers, the terrors of teens?), your natural devotion to your children will tear your marriage down to its bedrock. If you have a child with any kind of additional difficulty
Let's just say it: If you want to preserve your marriage, your children cannot always come first. As counterintuitive as it may sound, in your marriage, your spouse must come first, not only for your sake but also so that your children can grow up within an intact family.
So if sex is everywhere, and if information about how to have it is more readily available than ever, why aren't you having more fun in your own bed? It's because the two of you are never really alone there; those ubiquitous images of everyone else having great sex have paradoxically made it more difficult for you to relax and have a satisfying sex life. Even if you joke about these unrealistic portrayals of people who are never exhausted by the toll of work and children, whose waistlines are never threatened by the twin specters of Krispy Kreme and advancing age, and whose libido is never dimmed by a partner's bad breath or the mountain of unpaid bills on the dresser
They make you feel that you or your partner can never measure up, that there's someone out there who's more attractive to you or will be more attracted by you, and that you are missing out because everyone else is having more fun than you are. They make you believe that the natural evolution of a relationship, from the dazzling fireworks of infatuation and early courtship to the steadier, calmer flame of a mature partnership, represents loss of pleasure and acceptance of the mundane.

Should you let yourself have that midnight snack if you're having trouble sleeping and you think hunger might be part of the problem? Here are five foods that can actually help you drift off:
Can't Get a Good Night's Sleep? 5 Surprising Reasons
1. Cherries. Fresh and dried cherries are one of the only natural food sources of melatonin
, the chemical that controls the body's internal clock to regulate sleep. Researchers who tested tart cherries and found high levels of melatonin recommend eating them an hour before bedtime or before a trip when you want to sleep on the plane.
2. Bananas. Potassium and magnesium are natural muscle relaxants, and bananas are a good source of both. They also contain the amino acid L-tryptophan, which gets converted to 5-HTP in the brain. The 5-HTP in turn is converted to serotonin (a relaxing neurotransmitter) and melatonin.
3. Toast. Carbohydrate-rich foods trigger insulin production, which induces sleep by speeding up the release of tryptophan and serotonin, two brain chemicals that relax you and send you to sleep..
4. Oatmeal. Like toast, a bowl of oatmeal triggers a rise in blood sugar, which in turn triggers insulin production and the release of sleep-inducing brain chemicals. Oats are also rich in melatonin, which many people take as a sleep aid..
5. Warm milk. Like bananas, milk contains the amino acid L-tryptophan, which turns to 5-HTP and releases relaxing serotonin. It's also high in calcium, which promotes sleep.
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